Whether one is the guest or the guest of a wedding, the question of the gift to the grooms is often thorny. A list or no list? A personal or collective gift? How much? Tips and testimonials not to commit an odd one.
“One person did not offer us anything for our wedding, so I still do not understand why, maybe it’s silly, but it damaged the friendship I had for this person “Remembers Suzanne, 41, with a touch of bitterness. Indeed, when it comes to wedding gifts, neither the bridegrooms nor the guests are immune to a faux pas.
Changes to the wedding list
Especially since the traditions have been constantly changing for 40 years. “First there was the trousseau of the bride , supposed to endow the young woman with the essentials to found a home,” explains Marina Marcous, co-author of the Great Book of Marriage(eds.) Eyrolles.
Then the gifts became an opportunity to please the couple while remaining useful to their installation, offering for example dishes, small furniture or decorative objects. This is the goal of wedding lists in department stores (Printemps or Galeries Lafayette and BHV via 1001 lists), still topical. However, “couples are getting married more and more late – 35 years for women, 37 years for men according to INSEE – and are often already well established. The content of the lists has diversified to offer gifts less Conventional, closer to the wishes of the bride and groom: cultural subscriptions, wellness box, wine, paintings … “, develops Virginie Mention, wedding planner . The listings centered on the honeymoon are also popular, as at Voyageurs du Monde or Relais & Châteaux. Not to mention the traditional urns where to slip envelopes the evening of the festival.
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Thanks to digital technology, these solutions have become dematerialized. Online services like Zankyou (which also works in partnership with Spring for a mixed list, shopping and prize pool), Mille Mercis Mariage, Ameliste offer guests to make a financial donation and / or choose a gift from a wish list . For some, a classic common pot and the deal is played in a few clicks. These sites often charge a small percentage of the sums paid. A text written by the grooms allows us to know what the money will be used for.
A report unmatched to gifts
The expected wedding gift has often become the one you can not afford with your own budget . It is sometimes difficult to afford marriage in itself ! In recent years, the participatory marriage list has grown to address this financial issue. “The guests offer the couple the marriage they dream of,” argues Emmanuelle Sanchez, founder of Wedzem . Caroline, who married in 2016, opted for this formula and ensures that her guests understood and accepted the concept by helping her to pay for the services of a wedding planner , a photographer, catering.
“Yesterday, the bride and groom were forced to choose gifts from lists, knowing full well that they would not take them, but would use the money as they pleased, and today they dare to ask for what they need. In other words, others dare to ask for what they do not need, with charitable wedding lists. The donations of the guests go completely or partially to an NGO, “develops Marina Marcout. This is the case, for example, of the Lily Liste site, which has an agreement with Aides and BabyLoan, a solidarity micro-credit platform. A fashion that will not please the followers of the personal gift.
Flowers, knives and personal gifts
Melanie remembers, laughing at one of her friends and her “house drawing on a large A1 sheet”, as a wedding gift. For Marie-Claude François Laugier, a psychologist specializing in family money relations, we must not cut off the momentum of those who want to pay special attention to the couple. “All this efficiency in the way of asking exactly what one wants, a little like a letter to Santa, should not hinder the very principle of the spontaneous gift that is to say” I thought of you, You “,” I would like to convey to you an emotion “.
“Despite the traditional wedding list and the prize pool for the honeymoon , I received personal gifts. Vases, decorative items. At the time, they seemed useless to me but today they found A place in our home and I appreciate them for the story they tell, “says Christine, married for ten years.
On the other hand, there is no question of offering kitchen knives – they symbolize the breakdown of the affective bond – or even flowersor plants. “The bride and groom do not know what to do with them, they are cumbersome,” warns the wedding planner. Unless you opt for an eco-responsible gift as a cultivated plant in the area of the Chevaliers de l’Astrée (located in La Roche Posay), which will give the bride and groom the satisfaction of participating in the construction of the first eco-edible forest of France.
“You can not come to a wedding with empty hands”
Worse than the deco object kitsch, the total absence of gift or participation in a list. “You can not come to a marriage empty-handed, for me it is a true propensity to the rant, or a rancor, a dispute with the bride and groom,” argues Marie-Claude François-Laugier.
For their part, the bride and groom also have to make an honorable fine by making sure to offer in their list gifts for a small budget (less than 40 euros) or to “cut out” their gifts in slices (for example for the honeymoon: Diving, breakfast in room …). As for the financial donations, each will do according to his means.
A benchmark: according to a Zankyou study published in 2014, the average participation of a guest in a wedding rises in France to 143 euros . The bride and groom know the amount paid by their friends. It is up to them not to be too watchful, “says the psychologist.
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For Marina Marcout, there is still a minimum amount to respect: “We must reason according to the standing of the marriage and ask how much we ‘cost’ as a guest.” If you dine in a castle with champagne at will, the 15 euros will go badly. The amount also depends on the degree of closeness between the bride and groom the guest. “When I saw that my sister-in-law was content to put less than 20 euros on our list, I could not help but perceive it as a sign of lack of interest in us. Elsewhere, we can hardly see each other anymore, “says Emilie, who has been married for six years. If necessary, it remains for the guests to offer time. The author suggests for example a “
The art of thanksgiving
“Today the bride and groom open a blog or a Facebook page . It’s a good solution to communicate on her wedding list or her wishes for gifts,” observes Marina Marcout. The witnesses and the parents are no longer the necessary relays to express their wishes smoothly. The wedding planner even proposes to some bride and groom to approach the subject on their announcement of a small sentence. “At least everyone is aware in advance, even the most senior, who are not always connected.”
Moreover, to open an online list does not prevent to make a real kitty that can collect the envelopes the evening of the reception. “In this case, we can personalize it with the theme of the celebration and accompany it with an explicit message,” says Virginie Mention, who cites as an example a “kitty house on stilts” seen in an “exotic wedding”.
Remains to open the mails, the envelopes or the packages. “My advice to married thank to progressively but also to provide say a word during the party. And again, some time later, through a picture or a map mailing” explains the Wedding planner. A handwritten message will be more appreciated than a printed, more impersonal text. If you do not have the courage, the appFleezer prints the photo of your choice and the personalized message that accompanies it on a postcard. Count 80 euros for 50 cards (shipments included). As for the gifts to be unpacked, it is better to dedicate a place in the room and to be harnessed the next day, out of sight.